How to Be a Dick

Well, this was one of the most popular posts on the old blog so I thought I’d bring it over to the new. Enjoy!

Here’s my list of some of the ways to be a real Dick when grappling.

  1. Make every roll feel like the finals at Mundial. ALWAYS bring your A game. Unless you roll hard all the time you aren’t progressing.
  2. Don’t bother washing your gi. In fact, keep it in a ball in your bag. That way when you put it on it’s already wet. Nothing like grabbing a guy with a cold wet gi.
  3. Always leave your gi pants at home. Grapple in your top and shorts. Sambo style! When you do that don’t forget to grab the other guys pants legs for all your passes.
  4. Always beat down new guys. That way they know the power of BJJ right away. They need to know how effective it is.
  5. If you know a cool counter to what the teacher is showing be sure to show it RIGHT AWAY. Especially when the instructor is talking. That way you can look cool. By the way, every technique has a counter.
  6. Always use full resistance in class. Especially when in learning stage. If your partner is learning an armbar for the first time you need to give them full resistance so that they know how that feels. Don’t let them get it!
  7. If you are about to get subbed switch into coach mode. Coach your partner through the rest of the technique. That way you get credit for HIS sub.
  8. If you get tired in a roll wait until you are in a bad position to stop.
  9. When you get tapped by a bigger guy always tell them after the roll “Dang, you are strong!” That way you can blame their win on their strength instead of their technique.
  10. Keep track of everyone you’ve tapped, what you used to tap them, and when it happened. Relive those moment with your classmates before every class.
  11. Gun after everyone who is higher rank than you. That way you can put a notch on your belt for tapping out a higher belt.
  12. When you get a tap immediately jump up and do a victory dance. Make sure everyone in the room knows.
  13. Drop in and out of class as you see fit. Don’t bother to do the warm ups. If the material doesn’t look cool to you be sure to pull your buddy out of class and grapple on the side of the mat while class is going on. ALWAYS do this if class is covering something you’ve learned already. Review is for white belts.
  14. Along those same lines, always show up late. That way you don’t have to even bother with warm ups.
  15. When you have a visitor in from another gym you MUST put a beat down on them. That’s the only way they will know how good your gym is. It is your job to uphold the reputation of your gym.
  16. Nobody minds if you roll with open sores. Go ahead and grind that scab in my face. I don’t mind at all.
  17. Long fingernails are a great sparring weapon. Don’t cut them. Toenails either.
  18. Small joint locks are your secret weapon. Grab and twist fingers. Do it hard and fast.
  19. Don’t tap! Doesn’t matter that the arm is totally straight and you can hear the tendons ripping. You might still get out! Your pride is worth it.
  20. Slam on all submissions hard and fast! That way you get twice as many. Doesn’t matter that your partner won’t have time to tap until it’s too late. This is BJJ. If you don’t want to get hurt then take up yoga or TKD.
  21. Below are additions from various internet submitters and friends. These aren’t mine but are awesome just the same!

  22. Refuse to warm up with teammates before a tournament. Helping others in your gym is for sissies. Besides, you’re already warm.
  23. When working with a partner on drills, make sure to go 5 or 6 times when it’s your turn, but only let them go once or twice. You have to make sure you get your reps in! One good way of doing this is to “forget” to, say, go to guard after working in your partner’s guard. If they try to remind you, just tell them you are busy watching other people.
  24. Also while drilling, feel free to stop in the middle to get up and talk to your other friends–or to interrupt two people who are working to start a conversation with one of them. Jiu-jitsu is for socializing.
  25. Make sure to constantly correct what your partner is doing, especially when you’re brand new. They’ll appreciate the advanced guidance.


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  3. So real, so true. Laugh? I though my gi trousers would never dry. The only thing that’s missing is something about eating chicken kiev or whole cloves of garlic just before you train. Garlic sweat is one of the great weapons.


  4. Don’t forget to make fun of other martial arts. BJJ IS THE BEST! Make sure everyone knows it. If anyone trains in anything else, especially while in your BJJ class, make fun of them. Bonus points to keep doing over a long period time.

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  6. funny except for number 20. I train TKD in addition to BJJ and I could kick your fucking head off. Watch what you say when its about a stand up art cuz your bjj wont do dick when your only way of getting to the ground is falling there with a bloody nose and busted lip

    • “your only way of getting to the ground is falling there with a bloody nose and busted lip”.

      Right, because the “grappler vs. striker” debate hasn’t been settled for over a good decade now, and BJJ has absolutely ZERO techniques to close distance and clinch without getting hit, lol.

      Internet tough guys FTW!

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  10. When u go for a toilet break, never wear thongs or wash your hands after using the urinals, after all any self splashing can easily be disinfected with a quick wipe on your gi, ready for ur partner to roll with!

    Washing hands is for wimps!

    Also rubbing ur bare feet as u go is a bonus! Once u hit the mats u can wipe them off clean!

  11. If you are a tradesman or have a physical job that makes u crazy stinky and dirty, hit the mats directly after work! this is perfect for Jiu Jitsu! why bother with a shower? ur sweat, body odour and chemicals are an awesome weapon!

    Showering is also for wimps!

    If u get a mount make sure u open ur gi and control ur opponent with ur sweaty belly over his/her face!

  12. Before u start a roll with someone, ask them to take it easy as u have some injuries, after they agreed surprise them with ur best moves at 100% speed n power!
    This looks great if there are people watching, and not to mention ur coach!

  13. Always use extra force and power when rolling with kids and or women, they will appreciate your encouragement to make them better. But on the other hand always go easy with bigger guys than you.

  14. If u can’t get to the neck when choking, always choke the face around the mouth and nose area or eyes also. They should know better than just protecting their neck.

  15. Belt chokes and neck cranks, take ’em whenever you can. Yeah, they’re illegal in tournaments, but BJJ is for self defence, too – what if your partner were attacked by a guy on the street who tried to belt-choke or can-opener them when they pull guard? They’ll know what to do thanks to you!

    When rolling no-gi, grab your partner’s rashie like a gi. In jiu jitsu you use what’s there!

    As soon as you get your blue belt, stop rolling with the white belts. Ever. Why would you? Rolling with higher belts is how you advance, right?

  16. I have more to add to the d bag bjj moves.1) If you’re 100lbs bigger than your training partner, drop all your weight on various body parts to gain position. It’ll teach them to get bigger. 2) Ask your partner if it’s okay if you go light, then when you have a chance hit him with a 100% charge. They have to learn to never let their guard down. 3) If you get tapped, suggest how they could have done it better. 4) Don’t wipe your crack or otherwise wash in any way, then go north south on top and throw triangles from the bottom.

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  18. “In a class, always make sure you end every technique with a submission, even if it’s not part of what the teacher showed. This will show your training partner how you could easily tap them from there.”

    “If you have hairy chest, make sure you don’t wear a rashguard. This way once you have the mount, you can open your gi and lay on your opponent’s face”

  19. This blog is by far the best thing i have read in years. The above post is very funny and so so true.
    Every gym has one or many of these people…

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